She Was In There All Along…

Darn it, I am brave. I’m finally going to take ownership of that.

Whenever anyone has ever told me that they thought me brave, I would  dismiss it in saying that I was only doing what anyone else would do in whatever situation I was up against.

What brought this acceptance to me today was the gift of more than a dozen photographs from my childhood. Photos I’d never seen. In reality I had little concept of what I had looked like as a child and teenager because I had only my memories to go on, that in itself was quite a surprise. I wasn’t the ugly and awkward duckling I’d believed myself to be. I was actually a fairly cute kid if I may say so myself!

Several pictures took me by surprise. I’d believed that I’d only ever been brave when there was a need to make a bad situation better, but that I hadn’t been one to push my limitations for reasons other than survival.

It may seems trivial to many, but this photo speaks volumes to me. When it was sent today, it was a “guess who”, and neither Suz or I could be sure of who the subject was. It’s me, and although I do remember the time it was taken – I’d never quite been sure whether I had just wanted to pull this off, or had actually done it.

I don’t know how to swim. Am I allowed to say that I’m totally impressed with almost thirteen year old me?

Other photos of me followed today, all taken between the ages of five and thirteen. Horseback riding (not a trail ride, me alone across fields at my uncle’s and aunt’s farm), driving a horse drawn sleigh on snowy back roads by myself, travelling unaccompanied to Germany when I was five.

These photos brought back a flood of other memories. Sticking my arm into a goat’s insides in the wee hours of the night to turn her kid around when the birth became complicated, going off to sleepover camp for two weeks when I was ten without knowing neither any other campers, or anyone who’d ever been to that camp.

Although most who knew me as a child would say that I was timid and hardly spoke, inside the beginnings of a warrior princess were emerging. Albeit, a rather quiet one. She’s served me well.