The Revised Bucket List, Part 2

If you’ve been following this blog over the years, you might remember that the item on the top of my bucket list was a trip to New York City, family by my side, camera around my neck.

That didn’t happen, and won’t happen.

Friends, acquaintances and strangers have over the last year participated in “The New York Project”, and have in many ways given me NYC through their own eyes. Photographic diaries, scrapbooks, printed books, souvenirs, postcards, and especially precious to me are the written accounts of their own travels (and some hilarious adventures!)to the city.

There’s a giant canvas on the wall outside the kitchen of the Lower Manhattan skyline that can take me there in spirit anytime I look at it. I marvel that I have enough people in my life who care about me that I can’t narrow it down to the one friend who dropped it off anonymously on the doorstep last summer.

Not that I’m hinting or anything <grin> … but the New York Project remains a going concern.  Stories of favourite places, adventures, amazing meals (food always sneaks in there!) are much appreciated.

I mentioned in the last post that my dear friend from the East Coast wanted to help my realize some bucket list wishes while she was here last week.

New York was out, but perhaps my second favourite city was not. It’s been four months since I was well enough to travel to my Toronto medical team. Not that I don’t adore them and want to see them again, but our goal on this adventure was to hit a favourite spot of mine in the city and it wasn’t the hospital.

We were going to do this right.

A few days prior, a friend who is a make-up artist came by to give me some tips on looking less gruesome (my words, she quickly and kindly disagreed - we’d simply try to make me look like I’d had a good night sleep – something that hasn’t happened in a very long time).

A limo was booked, courtesy of the leftover funds in my small bucket list fund. Perhaps an extravagance, but truly the only way that it seemed that I could be somewhat comfortable for the minimum hour long drive each way. We’d pad the seats with blankets and pillows and I could recline on the way there and back, saving my sitting “allowance” for time in the wheelchair at the destination.

After visiting my favourite spot, the plan was (energy permitting) to stop by three places that offer some favourite food items (if I was looking to satisfy cravings last week, we weren’t going to stop at the steak dinner)  I could rest in the limo while my friend jumped into each location, none of the three were wheelchair accessible anyway.

For days, we watched the weather. It wasn’t looking good, rain and cold winds – but I really didn’t care. After being trapped indoors all winter I’m not sure that I would have even noticed the cold.

The morning of the trip, it became apparent that Mother Nature really wasn’t going to cooperate. Freezing rain was forecast, not a day that anyone should be on the road if avoidable – bucket list or not.

Having gotten myself ready (with help from my friend, blow drying my own hair isn’t something I can do anymore), putting my face on and getting dressed I realized that the trip would have had to have been cancelled regardless of the weather. I’d exhausted myself with the preparations to such a degree that the trip was no longer viable anyway.

For the last months if I had a short trip outside of the apartment planned (I can count all my outings since October on one hand), or had visitors coming I kept myself to strict bed rest the day prior to save up my energy and reduce the strain on my bones and heart.

This formula no longer works. I get what I get when I get it. Without question, moving about at all will exacerbate the pain, but resting beforehand is no longer a guarantee that the pain and exhaustion will be lessened.

As disappointing as it was to give up my revised bucket list trip, it wasn’t devastating.

If I look at it pessimistically, I can say it didn’t hurt that much because I’ve become numb to being let down. By my body, by people who I had thought would stick by me through this ordeal, by the constant barrage of challenges on which I often find myself on the losing end. What was one more letdown?

The optimist in me can revel in the joys of the planning of our adventure, appreciate the fact that despite not getting out the door I still had my best friend with me, and that instead of getting out I had the pleasure of spending time with a few new friends who came by for a visit.

Not to say that I won’t attempt the trip again in the future, but often the thought of something enjoyable has to take the place of actually doing or having what I’d like. And often, that’s enough.

Still more to come on bucket list week…