Forgetting Pain…

Muscle memory. Sometimes I’m glad for it, other times not so much.

Although at no point anymore am I free of physical pain entirely, the intensity of it varies according to a few factors.

Time of day can make a big difference. Pain grows as the day wears on having been on my feet or sitting up. At this time, I’m still able to get to the bathroom on my own so at least a couple of times a day I travel a short distance within the apartment. At night, I’m hoping that my bladder is less demanding. A reminder of needing to get up one last time to go to the bathroom before bed is one I dread.

By the same token, mornings are sometimes a beast. Especially when I’ve done something completely idiotic the night before (as in last night) in trying to retrieve an item that the cat swiped under the fridge. Never, never again will I get down onto the kitchen floor. Doing it while alone was even more asinine. Allow yourself to imagine the visuals, it causes me pain just to think about it much less describe it. I made it even worse by trying to sit on the balcony for a few short minutes last night to enjoy the mild temperatures. Both well intentioned but stupid actions given my current state of disability.

Pain medication alleviates the discomfort to a small degree, for a few short hours at a time. It’s however often not worth the side effects that kick in afterwards.

Distraction can play an important role, not nearly enough of the right kind of it around here. This situation changes in two days when my daughter arrives home from school – there’s nobody I’d rather have helping to keep my mind off of the pain. And such a lovely distraction she is on top of it. I’ve got lots of her adventures to catch up on from the last few months.

At times, like this morning due to last night’s antics, the pain went to epic levels. I had to leave my bed to allow the PSW to change the sheets and for several hours I had not a clue as to how I was going to get myself back to the bedroom from the couch.

At times when the pain is not at epic levels, I quite simply forget how bad it can get. I chide myself for having put my body under of the strain of the pain meds, certain that I could have done without. I truly forget how unbearable it can often be.

As my best friend says, if women were unable to forget the pain of childbirth the world would be full of only children.

I might have mentioned that I’ve been taking on-line courses, of late in the area of neuroscience. I’m fascinated by how the brain works, especially intrigued by the admission of neuroscientists that there is so much not yet known or confirmed about the workings of the human brain.

Quite a blessing to able to forget severe physical pain. One I’m grateful for every time another round hits me, otherwise I suspect that I’d live in deep fear of the next onset. I don’t.

Emotional pain I find to be quite a different story. I don’t live in a world of sadness, but if I choose to think about a painful emotional event the memory can still feel raw and searing. Over time the pain has diminished somewhat, but can be brought back if I allow it.

I happen to think that as much as the emotional pain hurts when I think back to it, it helps me in my drive to better myself as a person. Perhaps we can be more sensitive to others’ emotional pain if we’ve experienced, and remember similar emotions ourselves. I can sharply remember feelings of sadness, humiliation, embarrassment, shame, disappointment among others. They can all come back if I call upon them.

But on the flipside, I can also remember joy with similar clarity when recollecting. It’s happened numerous times over my lifetime that I’ve been doing some lone, mindless task thinking a pleasant thought,  and someone has asked me what was on my mind. I’d had a silly grin on my face and the other person wished to be let in on the secret.

It’s still somewhat easy to do. I’d like to think it’s a wonderful gift I’ve been given, to be able to bring forth a joyful memory when I need it the most. The contrast to unpleasant memories make the joyful ones all that more precious.