Lines in the Sand…

I can’t remember which show I was watching last week when I heard a police officer say to another “don’t let him surprise you, he’s dying and has nothing to lose” when speaking about a suspect in a murder case who had cancer.

It turns out the suspect wasn’t the culprit, but that line has stuck in my head and has come to mind when faced with a few dilemmas over the last week. Does the fact that I’m nearing the end of my life influence my actions and decisions? Certainly in regards to choices I’m having to make about my medical care, it’s been a very busy week on that front with more ahead in the coming days.

I’d told myself that I was never going to be in a hospital again if it could be helped. A doctor has proposed a high risk procedure that could ease my pain, and I find myself leaning towards going for it. It does mean revising my plan to avoid hospitals, but given a rather compelling possible beneficial outcome it deserves discussion between me and my daughter. I’ll share the details once we’ve made a decision, for now we need to weigh the pros and cons presented by my medical team without any outside influence.

Knowing that I have limited time dictates evaluation of personal situations  as well. I'd like more of what makes me happy, and a whole lot less what make me unhappy. Who wouldn’t? This week, I was presented with a surprising number of options given the limitations that my physical disabilities throw in my way.

A friend and I were so wrapped up in great conversation this afternoon that we lost track of time. My friend found herself running late in picking up a family member.  As she reached for her phone, she said that the family member would be understanding of the delay given that it was me who was being visited.  I jokingly added “the dying person trumps all”.

Not that I should take precedence over others, I’m still the me who wants to make everyone happy and not raise any conflict. But I have, and will speak up because my lines in the sand are moving. Some are being drawn in more firmly, other erased. What I’m not prepared to do anymore is let someone else tell me where my lines should be drawn, that I’ve done far too much in my life.
I have nothing to lose anymore, except for my inner peace if I’ve not spoken up for what I believe to be the best for me and my daughter.