With a Song In My Heart...

The moment hit me with a slap, and brought tears to my eyes. 

The realization that although I've been playing music (quietly!) in my new place once in a while - more so for company, it was first time in almost two years that I was actually singing along. It startled me, I hadn't even realized that I was doing it - until Scrabble tried singing along in the cutest soft mewl (that little creature is one of the best things to come into my life in quite a while - human friends notwithstanding!)

On top of it, I was singing to a song that I've been skipping over on my play list since my marriage ended - it raised sad and painful memories. Tonight was different, it's almost as if I was embracing all that the song had ever meant to me (sorry, not sharing the name of the tune tonight - I have my reason which in time may make itself known).

It's been a challenging week, but there's been a reassuring sense of peace flowing alongside of the pain and difficulties. Lately I find that I'm giving gifts to myself. Burning a scented candle when it's just me, using the good dishes, cooking a meal for myself and a friend. Saying yes to an invitation out last night when I normally would have declined out of exhaustion. And singing (although many wouldn't consider it a gift, I'd like to believe that the kitten was singing along. However in all likelihood he was raising an objection!) 

It hasn't hurt that I've had some positive male attention in the last couple of days, letting me know that although what I see is a broken body - some out there consider me beautiful nonetheless. I shouldn't let a man's opinion dictate how I feel about myself - but heck, I could write a whole book on the impact that cruel words can have. The last bout of that kind of talk just about broke me and I've been trying to pull myself up ever since. 

It's helped that I'm filling my head with new ideas, knowledge and concepts - thanks to a dear friend I have an array of on-line college courses that I'm working through. At the moment I'm taking a course that covers the basics of what my daughter is studying at university, it allows me to feel a little more connected to her through the physical distance between us.

It helped that I had loads of kindness tossed my way when I ran into more obstacles last week. Maybe a little more than usual - but lots of it surrounds me at all times.

It helps that I'm now certain beyond doubt that I'm still me. My illness hasn't changed the core of who I am and what I believe in, if anything it shows me the path towards becoming a better person. Perhaps a reflection of those beautiful souls whom I spend my time with?

It feels damned good to sing out the clutter that's been stuck inside of me. I'll do my best to not hurt the neighbours' ears, but as for Scrabble, well - he can either join in or leave the room because I'm not turning back now.