I’m fudging the truth when I tell others that I’m recovering from the events of last weekend, when Suzanna twice had to call for emergency help for me. Who am I kidding? I’m not recovering, it’s just further decline and there’s no escaping that reality.
When I had a visit from my doctor two weeks ago she and I had a frank discussion about what the immediate future might look like. The hardest part was sharing my doctor’s thoughts with Suzanna when she arrived home a few hours later. In the oceans of uncertainty surrounding the final stages of this illness, she grasps for the small amounts of definitive information we have. I hide nothing from her, it simply doesn’t work in our relationship to have any secrets between us.
Suzanna immediately made a decision to take a leave of absence from work, choosing to finish out what was left on her schedule so that her employer wouldn’t be left in a bind.
It broke my heart. Not only had Suzanna postponed university for me, she was now giving up the one thing that guaranteed her a respite from what she faces every day here with me.
After the events of this weekend, she felt that she didn’t want to be out of touch for any length of time (at work her phone was accessible only at break time), the idea of me not being able to reach her immediately if I needed help was too much for her.
Thankfully, her employer was compassionate and understanding, ensuring that they would find staff to take on the remaining shifts on her schedule.
The closer we get to the end, the more surreal it seems. The more we feel cheated out of what ought to have been ours to share as mother and daughter. I’m going to allow myself to be boastful, I think I would have made one very loving and kickass fun grandmother!
Suzanna mentioned that when she does go back to work, everyone there will know what will have happened to allow her to be there again. She wondered how she’ll handle the comments from well meaning workmates, the same will apply when she returns to school, she goes back only because she lost her mother.
In our usual fashion, we try to find a smidgen of humour in all the sadness. We joked that she goes back into the world as “half orphan”, but we both know it’s not nearly that simple.
Throughout Suzanna’s life I’ve kidded her that I knew her better than she knew herself. As many parents do, we so intimately know the patterns and habits of our children as to often predict with great accuracy how they will react in a given situation. Even today, there are times that she’ll look at me sideways wondering how I could have known what she was about to say.
Over twenty years together, the tables have turned. Suzanna has come to know me better than I know myself. She has a knack for pinpointing what’s at the root of whatever is eating away at me, often before I figure it out for myself. Something that I’ve come to realize can only happen when you trust completely in someone’s love for you. I find great comfort in thinking that that my daughter has trusted me enough to let me know who she is, and that her unconditional love for me has allowed me to be human too.
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the relationship between you and suzanna is one that so many would envy. i am so thankful for my amazing mom and in seeing your relationship first hand has made me appreciate her even more than i already did. thank you for reminding me never to take the time i have with my mom for granted.
ReplyDeletei wish it would have worked out for you to have met each other. although even though she has never met you, she thinks about you and asks about you often.
love you both, sandy and suz. thank you ♥
Sandy,
ReplyDeleteI know we haven't connected in a very long time, but please know that I think of you and Suzanna often have been following your blog from time to time, and absolutely had to write upon reading your latest entry... I will let you be boastful, but will not let you sell yourself short! What do you mean you "would have" made one very loving and kickass fun grandmother? Being physically around to do things with your granddaughter is just one aspect of the whole assignment... and yes, by having Suzanna, you have signed up for this and there's no going back.... (I am going to use "granddaughter" in a gender-neutral sense, though I do picture Suzanna one day having a lovely little girl...) You will be the grandmother who has shared so many fun and special things with Suzanna as mother-and-daughter, who will in turn share these fun (and probably even kickass!) activities with her child. You will be the grandmother-artist who created so many stunning photographs - just picture Suzanna sharing your collection with her child -- maybe an extra-special photograph on each birthday! You will be the stunningly beautiful grandmother in the photographs, who your granddaughter will no doubt share a resemblance with. You will be the grandmother who inspired all the people that Suzanna will want to introduce her child to, and whom her child will one day meet and touch with her charm and innocence. You will be the grandmother who passes along a hug when Suzanna gives her child an extra squeeze from you -- and for you -- at night. You will be the grandmother who leaves a legacy of kindness, compassion, love and perspective that Suzanna will draw upon daily and pass along to her child from you. You will be the grandmother smiling proudly through Suzanna's eyes at so many milestones. So go ahead, Sandy, and choose and use your grandmother name (will it be Grandma Sandy?) -- because your grandmother name, reflecting you, will be referred to by and thought of by Suzanna and her child, and her child's child, thousands of times over the next hundred years and more. I write this not to make you feel sad, but to make you feel so very happy for being such a wonderful, loving and inspiring grandmother who will make such a remarkable difference in your granddaughter's life. There are so many women who might live to one hundred and five, and never be a grandmother. So dream, Sandy, and dream big -- right now, and always -- about all those wonderful grandmother and grandmother-inspired things that your daughter and her child will experience only because Grandma Sandy gave the greatest gifts of all to Suzanna -- life and love.
C.C.
C.C.,
DeleteI read this last night, and quietly handed Suzanna my iPad with tears streaming down my face. She initially was worried that something had upset me, but understood after she read your beautiful words.
Normally I'd reply to a message privately (I'm quite certain who you are but I don't want to presume). All we can say is thank you C. You put some very beautiful images in our heads, and filled me with even more love for the grandchildren I won't be able to physically cuddle but already hold dear in my heart.
It was so very kind of you to take the time to write such a powerful note, a wonderful gift for both me and Suz.
Wishing you much happiness in the years that lie ahead for you,
Sandy and Suz