Antithesis…

Polarity, opposition, extremes – my life is full of contradiction.

The physical challenges continue to mount. My nurses visit daily now, the need for assistance from friends and volunteers has again increased. I sit often on the edge of very tough decisions. An illusion perhaps, it would seem most are out of my control.

It seems that that the more I require assistance with my daily routine, the more I miss my independence. If I let myself think about it that is. I’d rather not go there, and I invest significant effort to direct my attention elsewhere.

A wise friend reminded me last week that there is a huge difference between giving up and surrendering to reality, I struggle to keep that delineation clear. If I’m able to do something myself, I will. If I can’t, I’m learning a difficult lesson of acceptance that the goal is beyond my capabilities.

I liken the experience of my declining physical health to that of going through labour when I gave birth to my daughter. My body is going to do what it needs to do, I have little say in the process.

I’ve mentioned before that I have vivid dreams when I sleep (which is now more of a precious commodity than ever). Asleep, I can run, jump, drive, cook. Asleep, I live the opposite of my waking hours. But only when I refer to my physical self. Circumstances that gnaw at me while awake have a way of creeping into my dreams.

A life of extremes. A body suffering, yet a spirit richly nourished.

Knowing that when I need help, I need at least all my fingers to count out the number of friends who would in a heartbeat drop whatever they’re doing to come to me. And their gentleness in understanding that asking for help sits well outside my comfort zone.

Learning more life lessons in this lifetime than I thought possible. Finding out that despite a very bumpy road dealing with plenty of difficult situations, there is far more love and kindness to be found than I ever imagined. Some of the most challenging periods of my life have not been shared on this blog, believe me when I tell you that I’ve first hand experienced the opposite of love however you might define that. Hate? Indifference? Fear? (Which reminds me of a quote I shared with some friends last week. “I don’t have time to hate the people who hate me, I’m too busy loving the people who love me”).

Finding out that while there are some people who don’t seem to care a shred beyond meeting their own needs, there are far more with so much good in them that they have not only enough to share with their own friends and family, they have an ample supply in their hearts to spread around to strangers.

Great pain endured, and love sent to me in abundance at this time. To me it seems the universe has me going in two very different directions. In the bigger plan, maybe they have to go hand in hand for me to better understand each.