Deciding to Not Decide

I've spent the last few hours sorting paperwork on my bed. When I had to pack up the house last spring, the contents of the filing cabinet were hastily placed in boxes for future sorting. I anticipated that without being able to work I'd have plenty of time to get the job done when we had a new place to live.

It hasn't quite worked out that way yet. Six weeks later I'm still unpacking. Mostly because I move as slowly as molasses these days, and secondly because I've run out of space to store things. However tonight I wanted to make a small dent in the piles and boxes of files.

It's been an evening of mixed emotions. I've come across my daughter's old report cards, cards and letters that she's written to me over the many years (it made my heart smile to see her earliest attempts at handwriting). Cards that I wish I hadn't have come across tonight (how does someone say that you made him the happiest man alive and looking forward to many more Valentine's Days together, and then less than three months later say that he couldn't stand being with me one minute longer and has felt that way for years? That one goes to the top of the heap for a bonfire...)

I also came across old performance evaluations from my tech world days. I'll keep one for my daughter to look at years from now so that she can be reminded that once upon a time I wasn't this shell of my former self. Back then my nickname at the office was "The Energizer Bunny" (I suppose that's still true to some degree, I am battery operated after all!)

What struck me was the commentary from various superiors, often noting my ability to stay calm, focused and decisive in challenging situations.

A sharp contrast to what I'm feeling this evening, at least as far as decision making is  concerned. A thoughtful friend took me out to run two errands today. One to the post office box, the other to Sears to get socks. I'd be ashamed to show you the bottoms of my feet the last few months, most of my socks are nearing holes in the bottom if they're not already there. No socks on sale today, but no way that I'm going near the place again on a weekend before Christmas. Sheer madness and very long line-ups. It wouldn't be the first time that I've found what I'm looking for, stood in line but had to abandon my intended purchase because I just couldn't stand anymore.Yes I know, suck it up Sandy and just get the darn wheelchair...

This small amount of walking has had serious repercussions tonight. If you didn't know where my knees belonged on my legs you'd be hard pressed to locate them with the swelling being so extreme. The weird colouration is spreading to the front of my legs, and the pain is overwhelming. A pain pill that the average adult should take only two of per day, I'm up to one every two hours day and night. What complicates things is trying to keep them down, they're strong anti-inflammatories that do a number on my stomach and tonight it's a heck of a battle to have them stay put. Note to self - ask medical team on Tuesday if there's an alternate delivery system, even if I have to inject like a heroin addict, I'm on board.

For someone who's normally good at making decisions, I can't make up my mind whether to head to the hospital or not. Do I keep pushing through the pain? Or go through the frustration of going to the local hospital only to be sent home again because they've never heard of Erdheim Chester and don't know what to do with me? Why am I writing a blog post right now instead? (the answer to that is simple. I just don't know what else to do with myself right now, and this is the best distraction I can come up with. And it helps me to feel less alone knowing you're out there reading this).

Time for another pain pill. Quite simply put, this is wretched.