Where Did I File That Gantt Chart?

There are the rare days when the realization that I’m seriously ill hits me particularly hard.

Strangely, it’s not the “procedure” days (an all purpose way of stating that I’m to be poked, prodded, scanned, sliced, tattooed, injected, sampled, radiated, operated on – or anything else they can throw at me). It’s also not the appointments in which I hear evidence presented to me that the illness has spread, or that my “numbers” are up/down (or just not where they should be). It’s not even the days when I feel so physically beat up and exhausted that it’s hard to think about moving my limbs, much less use them to lift myself out of bed.

It’s days like today,  right after I finished a phone call with a friend I’d not spoken to in quite some time. Neither of us have had it easy over the last years; there were many points on which we could relate and commiserate. I’d say we both have a positive view on our challenges, and can see what needs to be done and we do it. Probably the reason why years ago, while employed at the same telecom company we worked well together when on the same project team.

What left me unnerved afterwards was how indifferent I’ve become to discussing my illness and prognosis. And my death. To a great degree, my illness is my life. It has to be. It’s a succession of appointments, tests, treatments, side effects and symptoms. Absolutely every move I make has to take my condition into consideration. Are there stairs to contend with? Should I expect to be sitting up for a long period of time? Are there doors I’ll need to try to open on my own?

I was taken aback when I realized afterwards that I’d discussed my disease, prognosis and my plans for the future with as much ease as I would have years ago working out the details of a project at a conference table with my colleagues. Here’s what needs to be done; let’s figure out who does what and then get the show on the road!

Good old reliable Sandy, right to the end. Except some days it hits me exceptionally hard that this is the last project I’ll be working on. It’s not a business objective that I’m plotting, I’m planning the project completion of me.