By Gosh, I Think I've Got it!

I often think about why some of us have to follow a more difficult path than others on this earth. Many wonder under the cloak of various faiths if there's a higher purpose to suffering, something that will be explained on the other side. I think I may have found a use for some of the trials I've experienced in this lifetime.

It would seem that I'm to experience the full range of medical tests, treatments (and indignities) that can be foisted upon the human body. I've had scopes, biopsies, toxic chemicals running through my veins, implants (not that kind! An internal loop monitor and my pacemaker), steroids, surgeries, scans, more meds than you can count, etc. etc. etc... with more on the way.


Perhaps after I leave for the hereafter my job is to get inside the heads and dreams of those who have some control over the health care system. With a gentle whisper remind them of how hard it is to manoever through the system when you're already behind the eight ball. To re-think that refusal to cover an expensive experimental treatment that might help the pain. To suggest that they offer a kind hello on the phone instead of a growl that makes the caller wonder if they're about to get a boatload of attitude for having had the nerve to call for an appointment.

Don't get me wrong. I've seen much of the good that happens in our healthcare system. Some really wonderful people who continue to provide me with excellent care on this journey - and who look at me as a person rather than as a patient file. Good people who often don't get the recognition they deserve. My family doctor right through to my specialists at several downtown hospitals, and the staff who support them. But in between, there are some mighty big gullies to fall into - especially if you're on your own without an advocate watching out for you.

My physical pain has delivered me to a point that I just don't think I can take much more without considering drastic measures. The last few days I've taken over five times the dosage of pain meds each day that the average grown adult should take and it's hardly making a dent (and yes, my doctor is aware of this). All non-narcotic, unfortunately I'm allergic to the whole family of opiates so they're out. I was kinda thinking that  at this point I wouldn't mind a few hours of a morphine high to take my mind off of all of this!


I finally gave in and placed the call to my orthopedic oncologist this morning. Tell me doctor what you've got on offer - Bone graft? Chemo? Radiation? Let's think of something quick because I've been checking out chainsaws on the Home Depot website - I swear, if something doesn't give soon I'm gonna tear that leg of mine off. Add to that, letting myself get a decent case of dehydration and I'm one miserable puppy today.

So, on a more serene note. Please God, let me get through this with grace, a smile and a kind word for all I meet on the next part of the journey (I was going to say leg, but that's just too lame a pun!), and humour. And let me feel the all the care and love that flows my way in abundance.


But...if any of you make this more difficult than it needs to be - I just may have the opportunity later on to get inside your head for a night or two after I've left my earthly body to deliver a message about compassion. And if you don't get it the first time...I'll be back!!!