My Apple Tree and Other Broken Stuff

Almost two years ago I wrote a post about the apple tree that sits not far from my bedroom window. A tree that's special to me, it's also had its share of indignities cast upon it during the few years we've been living here.

I've been looking forward to the luscious aroma of apple blossoms that comes forth every April, telling me that spring is truly here. Time to throw the windows open and welcome the freshness indoors. Well, it ain't that kind of spring this year! It's snowed twice today. Nothing that sticks to the ground, but enough that we're all moaning that instead we should be getting out the short sleeved shirts and shorts - not hanging on to our parkas and turtlenecks!

It's also been very windy over the last week, gusts that make the house moan and creak. On on especially windy night earlier this week I heard a large crackle just as my husband was coming up the stairs to bed. I called out to make sure he was okay, but he'd not taken a tumble down the steps thankfully and I chalked the noise up to a garbage can blowing around outside.

The next morning as I was looking out at my apple tree as I always do, I was shocked to view what must have been the source of the noise the previous night. A couple of substantial limbs had been sheared off and lay close to the trunk.

Normally I'd just think this quite sad that such a beautiful tree had been damaged - but this is MY tree. The tree that I'd hoped would recover from previous damage, just as I had hoped at the time I wrote my earlier post that I would recover from the damage to my body. We were in this together!

The timing of this really hit me hard, it was just a day after we'd been to the hospital to review the results of tests and scans that I've undergone over the last few weeks. My illness is advancing. The bone lesions are spreading up my leg and into my hip, and my aorta now has involvement as well.

My tree and I are both not doing well. And in that same post of almost two years ago I wrote about having to postpone my dream trip to the Big Apple. And finally I must accept that it'll likely never happen. And sometimes when you can't have something it seems like it's all you can think about.

And as I finish up this post, it's snowing again. Not just snow, it's almost blizzard-ish. I think I'll just go back to bed and pull the sheets up over my head. 'Cause it's just that kind of a week.

That Which Keeps Me Sane OR My Favourite Things

If you follow this blog you'll know that I spend a lot of time at home. If I leave the house it's almost always for a visit to the hospital or some other medical appointment or test. On the rare occasion I might be up to a short trip to the grocery store, or if I'm having an exceptionally good day we might even go out for a meal together. In any case right now I need someone to drive me so that limits my options as well.

Thankfully I'm a bit of homebody so I don't feel like a shut-in too often, but it helps that I'm able to keep myself busy within these four walls. I'm often asked how I keep myself from going stir crazy so I thought I'd share a little of what I do here at home - which translated into My Favourite Things!

My iPad. My husband had to talk me into getting one last summer and now I truly don't know what I would have done without it. It's been great for keeping my mind busy when I've had trouble moving around and it also gives me something to do between appointments on those longer hospital visits. And yay for Angry Birds and Epicurious!

My kitchen. Yes, there are three of us living here in this house, but it's really MY kitchen. I love my collection of gadgets, the well stocked spice cupboard, my Paderno pots and pans. Feeding my favourite people gives me so much pleasure, it's an activity that unless I'm really badly off I manage to save energy for at the end of the day. Current favourite recipe? Curried basmati rice with cashews. Yum! With thanks to my husband and daughter who happily fetch whatever ingredients I need, and always eagerly eat up whatever I serve them :-)

The dishwasher. See above. I wouldn't be so enthusiastic about cooking if I didn't have the dishwasher to do the bulk of the washing up!


Meyer lemons. Sadly gone for the season, they'll be available again at the end of the year. I'm going to miss those sweetly tart fruits that added so much to my meal repertoire over the last few months.

Now to veer from the kitchen, my hot pink blanket. Not just any hot pink blanket, a thoughtful gift last summer from my daughter who knows that I'm almost always feeling cold, and it's got "One Tough Cookie" written across it. I do try to live up to that title!

Crossword Puzzles. The really hard ones, I prefer puzzles that I'm not able to finish. Just what I need before bed to calm my mind.


And a recent addition to my list, MAC Sheen Supreme Lipstick. I'm not a makeup fanatic, but this stuff just makes me feel more human these days. I'm fitting back into most of my old clothes again after my steroid adventure (good riddance black stretchy pants!) and I needed to feel more feminine again (and less "patient-y"!) and this stuff does the trick. Very subtle, just a bit of colour but it has the power to make me feel better about myself again!

The Process of "Un-Blahhing" Myself

Ok, I know - a totally made-up word this "un-blahhing" but it's the best way to describe what I've been trying to accomplish over the last few weeks. It's been a little while since I've posted, and I'm pleased to report that for the most part I've been physically feeling much better. Very little pain and that heart of mine seems to be listening to my requests to please just settle down!

If I'm feeling physically better, than why I have I been feeling a bit down? I ask myself that and the best answer I can come up with is that I'm not close enough to either side. Well or sick. Not that I want to be anywhere near the sick side, but it's easier to define what I can and can't do. I'm not well enough (yet! My optimism hasn't escaped me completely) to do many things I'd like to; I'm still lacking in strength and so very tired much of time. I think if I'm not in much pain and my heart isn't acting up too badly surely I can resume working occasionally (or any number of activities that I enjoy that are currently off the table). Not quite as easy as that I'm finding.

Just let it be said that I'm trying hard to lift my spirits up. The CBC radio interview was a wonderful experience and it looks like some very good things (re rare disease awareness in Canada) could arise from the contacts I've made. I'm delighted to have reconnected with a few old friends recently (in my very weird "this can't be a coincidence" kind of way that seems the norm for our household), and various scans and tests at the hospital over the last few weeks show that my current meds seem to be keeping my illness in check.

Is it wrong to want more? It's this in-between space where I've landed that makes me feel like I'm hanging precariously between good and bad. Wondering more than ever after a good day how the next morning will look. I'm looking for consistency that will likely never be there again with this unforgiving illness. And after all this time, shouldn't I be used to this roller coaster ride?