The Process of "Un-Blahhing" Myself

Ok, I know - a totally made-up word this "un-blahhing" but it's the best way to describe what I've been trying to accomplish over the last few weeks. It's been a little while since I've posted, and I'm pleased to report that for the most part I've been physically feeling much better. Very little pain and that heart of mine seems to be listening to my requests to please just settle down!

If I'm feeling physically better, than why I have I been feeling a bit down? I ask myself that and the best answer I can come up with is that I'm not close enough to either side. Well or sick. Not that I want to be anywhere near the sick side, but it's easier to define what I can and can't do. I'm not well enough (yet! My optimism hasn't escaped me completely) to do many things I'd like to; I'm still lacking in strength and so very tired much of time. I think if I'm not in much pain and my heart isn't acting up too badly surely I can resume working occasionally (or any number of activities that I enjoy that are currently off the table). Not quite as easy as that I'm finding.

Just let it be said that I'm trying hard to lift my spirits up. The CBC radio interview was a wonderful experience and it looks like some very good things (re rare disease awareness in Canada) could arise from the contacts I've made. I'm delighted to have reconnected with a few old friends recently (in my very weird "this can't be a coincidence" kind of way that seems the norm for our household), and various scans and tests at the hospital over the last few weeks show that my current meds seem to be keeping my illness in check.

Is it wrong to want more? It's this in-between space where I've landed that makes me feel like I'm hanging precariously between good and bad. Wondering more than ever after a good day how the next morning will look. I'm looking for consistency that will likely never be there again with this unforgiving illness. And after all this time, shouldn't I be used to this roller coaster ride?