Just Don't Get Me Started

This afternoon I had an annual appointment with my local GP, I don't think I've mentioned him before in a post. One of these female check-up type thingies, not my favourite things to do but gotta suck it up and get it done. Or do I?

I'm at that age when a few extra tests are requisitioned at the annual check-up. None are terribly pleasant; parts get squished, prodded, palpated and swabbed. But lately I wonder why I'm getting them done; if I'm being honest with myself I believe that it's highly unlikely that if cancer was detected that I'd do anything about it at this stage. I realize I might raise an eyebrow or two out there, but really - I'm already dealing with a serious illness that has no cure. Would I subject myself to more surgery/treatments than what I'm already prepared (or not prepared) to do to deal with the ECD? And really, could anyone have that much bad luck with their health?

Dr. A. has been getting updates on my condition from the hospital in Toronto. As he started our conversation he already had tears in his eyes, confirming that what he'd read was not good news. I'm not sure how I feel about his reaction. On one hand I recognize that he's a kind, compassionate man; isn't that what we'd all want in a doctor? On the other hand, his reaction brings out something in me that I don't recognize. It's not self-pity; after all it was me reassuring him at the end of my appointment that I felt quite optimistic about the next drug trial.

I'm used to emotional outpourings when sharing details of my illness with others. It's not something I spend a lot of time talking about, but I try to be forthright when people care enough to ask about the progression of my illness.

Today's appointment? I think I can best describe my reaction as fear. I try so hard not to be overwhelmed by my illness but his tears make me feel like I ought to be more frightened.

I know my GP's heart is in the right place, but it makes me need my husband to hurry home for one of his wonderful hugs that make the rest of the world disappear for just a little while.