The View from the Bottom Step

I'm raising my white flag.

I sit at the bottom step looking up at where I came from. I didn't arrive here with a thud. Nor did I arrive at the bottom. as I would have expected with a slow, careful descension; step by step.

It's taken a few weeks to get here, feeling as if I've been tripping my way down the stairs clawing to grab onto a rail, a step or by some miracle a tremendous gust of wind to nudge me back up a step or two.

The quick decline in my health has been horrifying to me. I've tried to keep some normalcy; cooking a couple of meals a week, keeping up with the laundry, even driving my daughter to school once in a while. At the very best I've even been able to do two photo sessions with clients.

At its worst, I realize that this is all slipping away from me very quickly right now. Most days are spent in bed lately, trying to keep my mind off of the pain that seems to be settling into other bones with a burn that at times is nearly intolerable. Trying to save up enough energy to do a few simple tasks each day. Trying to ignore that my pacemaker kicks in all day long to correct a heartbeat that refuses to keep steady. Trying to keep the relentless fever under control. Watching so much slip away from me.

October was especially hard to deal with. It's the month that as a photographer I would have been out in nearly every kind of weather either photographing families for their holiday pictures, or capturing the fall colours in their glory for the galleries that sell my work. Although most of them have dropped me in the last year because I've not been able to honour my obligations to regularly provide new images.

Last night my doctor called (yes, a Saturday night) to check on me. We're back in to see him tomorrow and by the sounds of it he's ready to try to help me pull out the big guns. Enough of this being stoic and trying to handle the pain and discomfort with a brave face. It's time to admit that I need more help than perhaps I've been letting on.

Within minutes after the doctor's call, I received some very sad news. One of the members of our ECD support group passed on this week. Only 33, leaving behind a young daughter. My heart goes out to her loving, and beloved family.

This really is an evil disease.