Where to Lay Blame

I feel as if I've been hit by a bus the last few weeks. What did I do to myself to set off this latest round? That shovelling from a few weeks back? One of my meds? Something I've been eating?

It's natural to search for a reason when things change. I have a difficult time admitting that it might simply be the natural progression of my illness; that I have to be more accepting of how I'm feeling and the limitations that my health places upon me.

Not quite ready to blame Kineret however. I'm nine weeks into this trial and it's still helping greatly with my mobility and to some degree with my bone pain. My heart on the other hand has been misbehaving. Badly.

It's been rounds of scans and other tests to see what might be going on besides the pericarditis. We're waiting for results of the latest CAT scans to see if my lungs and brain might have developed any problems. Nothing seems to be working right from the weird tremors that shake my hands, the numbness in my foot, and the continued breathing difficulties.

And I discovered yet one more medication that I'm allergic to - Pulmicort. I was put on this steroid inhaler to see if it would help with my breathing but all I got was a lovely rash from neck to knees for a few days.

It's hard not to feel beaten down and trodden upon by ECD when it's hard to do anything more than lay on the couch, occasionally getting up to do something useful around the house that doesn't require a lot of exertion. Every action is measured, is it worthy of how it's likely to make me feel afterwards?

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself right now. This just isn't me. It's me with ECD tugging at me every single moment until I want to kick it clear across Lake Ontario. If only I could muster enough energy to at least get it to the curb for a few days.