Peek a Boo, I see you!

Just one glance in the mirror this morning as I brushed my teeth. Yes, I'm sure I saw it. A familiar shadow of cheekbone. After months of looking like I'm collecting acorns for the winter from the steroids I've been taking, I actually had a moment of recognition for my old self.

Even though it has been months, every glance in the mirror (and I kept those to a minimum of late) had me searching for something more familiar. Not that the change has been that drastic (you'd likely still recognize me), it has been unsettling. The expansion of my cheeks makes my eyes look so much smaller, and the sparkle in my eyes disappeared. A touch of makeup to disguise the dark circles helps me to feel a little bit better about how I look if I'm going out into the world but I can't help feeling like I'm adorning someone else's face in the mirror. Hmmm, I note that this is all about the eyes, not unexpected for a photographer of people! :-)

And the belly! By early evening my stomach was getting so large that I'd easily pass for six months pregnant. But the last few days, maybe five - even four? Very slowly, some of the physical changes that the prednisone brought on are lessening.

Tapering off the prednisone hasn't been easy. Every drop is followed by a few days of unrelenting fatigue, aches and dizziness. After that however, I enjoy a few days of relative well-being until the next dosage drop. I'm down to 16 mg/day from 40 - that has to make a difference, don't you think?

I'll still be tapering slowly into the new year, but this morning's moment gives me hope that soon I won't look so ill anymore. I may be dealing with disease, but I don't want to look it. I don't want the pity of strangers, I don't want anyone assuming that I'm not capable of whatever I set out to do. I want my body to reflect that I'm trying to do all the right things by eating healthfully, sleeping well, respecting what my body is going through.

If I share the details of my illness with someone, I'll be absolutely delighted if they reply "how can this be, you look so well!" And I'll know that I'm doing the best I can to fight this, physically and emotionally. That's my new job, and I intend to be a stellar performer on this front.