The “Nothings” That Are Truly Something Special…

The bag was handed over to me today with “it’s nothing Sandy, really”. One of many gifts, favours, kindnesses that are extended to me on a regular basis. Today it was soup and dessert, a dinner I didn’t have to rummage for. Frankly the fridge and cupboards are quite empty (for a number of reasons that cause my heart to ache if I allow myself to think about them).

Tomorrow the hospice feeds me lunch, another meal in a week during which it’s just been too difficult to stand for anything length of time at the stove.

A whole lot of “nothings” that kind people offer to try to make up for the huge, gaping chasm that stands in the wake where I was left to deal with this on my own. So many with tears in their eyes, telling me that they wish they could take all the bad stuff away with the wave of a hand.The hugs that envelop me, trying to hold me away from the edge of what’s to come.

A phone call tonight from a new friend who asks if he can check in again in a few weeks. He is one of a circle (a word I use with intention) who dedicate themselves to others on a similar path to mine, people like me who muster a smile and a thank you when wished “get well soon”. There are others around me who understand; who tell me often what I mean to them – leaving loving thoughts for me to hold onto. Knowing that no one wants to leave this life feeling alone. Letting me know that my time here has mattered. Trying to make up for those who have chosen to turn away.

I’m clawing at the distant dream of relief from physical pain, knowing that there’s only one way to escape it.That I must steel myself against this pain while trying to deal with the logistical setbacks. Trying to work my way through the minefield of administrative nightmares that seem to pile up higher and higher each week. The phone calls and emails that I’m just too exhausted to tackle most of the time.

The outpouring of “nothings” is everything. I try to go to sleep every night thinking of the day’s “nothings” so that I can shut my eyes feeling not quite so alone in this. And I pray that when the end does come, that my heart and my head will be filled with gratitude for those who offered to me what they might have believed to be something quite insignificant, but wasn’t at all.