What Next?

A few weeks ago I wrote about my hopes to be able to photograph a very special event this past weekend. The family booked me eighteen months ago, at that time I had no idea of the challenges that lay ahead.

I shared the details of my health situation with my client a few months ago, and insisted that they permit me to book another photographer given that my health was increasingly inconsistent. They'd hear nothing of it, and said that they were confident that I would be feeling great. I did book another photographer on retainer; the thought of letting them down was too uncomfortable.

We worked with my doctor to adjust my meds to give me the best chance of being able to fulfill my commitment, and I'm very happy to report that it worked! I felt in top form last Saturday, and for almost nine hours/3000 shots later - I documented a very special day in this special family's life. I'm truly grateful!

However, I was somewhat surprised to feel quite down the next day. For almost a year I've been focused on being okay for December 12th, discussing it frequently with my doctor (who fully supported the med adjustments), had friends and family rooting for me. But now it was over, and I'm feeling a bit lost. What do I work towards now?

There are the milestones such as my daughter's graduation from high school, our five year wedding anniversary and more- but I need something else that focuses on a personal accomplishment. Not too far off, but further away than the next few months (the rest of my prednisone taper has to happen first. From my experience of the last few months I know that this could be a rough ride, I've been so happy to stop the taper for a few weeks to feel somewhat normal for a bit).

It definitely won't be photographing an event - I can't go through that stress again of praying to be well enough for a date that can't be rescheduled if I'm ill.

This is going to take some thought. I'm thinking, and I'll let you know what I come up with.

Strange Dreams Indeed...

I'm famous for my dreams - outright wacky most of the time! A few nights ago I was watching an episode of "Nova" which addressed some theories as to why we dream, and it made me think about how my dreams have unfolded and changed over the last year. I could see a connection as to how we at night subconsciously address issues that we're grappling with during our waking hours.

One pattern particularly intrigued me and I'm not sure how it fits in - feel free to jump in with your own theory!

When I was first diagnosed with the tumour in my leg, I dreamed often about my leg falling off. Not at all unexpected (and rather unoriginal, don't you think?)

However when I was diagnosed with Erdheim Chester Disease in February every dream (that I remember having) was one that I'd had before in my life. Months of re-runs! Even repeating dreams that I'd had in my childhood and don't believe that I'd thought of since. It was a journey into my past every single night, some pleasant recollections and a few nightmares too. Weird, eh?

Then I started on prednisone (steroids) and I don't think that I had a single dream for almost three months. Steroids can make you pretty hyper and sleepless, I was lucky to get three or four hours a night. It's possible that I didn't even reach the REM dream stage during those very short and restless nights.

Now that my dosage of steroids is considerably lower I'm sleeping normally again on most nights and my dreams have returned. But not one re-run in the bunch! They're all new, all weird and wacky - back to my usual state of nocturnal wanderings of the mind. Most nights I can make a connection to my illness; I try so hard to put it out of my mind during the day but it manages to bite me at night.

But I can't help thinking about that "re-run" stage and wonder what the significance might be. Any amateur dream analysts out there?