Trying to crawl back

I haven't posted here in awhile. I wish I could say it's because I've been feeling great, "out and about" (my Canadian is showing!) and living my life.

It's been tough, and when things get tough I get quiet. When I was in the throes of labour delivering my daughter sixteen years ago, not a peep out of me. Other women delivering that night could be hear yelling & screaming (not to mention cursing!) down the hallway but I wasn't making a sound. Of course it hurt like nothing yet had in my life, nor since - but the most I could muster was a quick "yup" and "nope" was asked questions by the nurses and doctors. Just the way I operate, like a wounded animal I just want to crawl away when I'm in pain or ill.

The prednisone taper hasn't been going well, I ended up jumping back up on my dosage after a disastrous week. I shouldn't, but I consider it a personal failure when I can't cope with the side effects of this drug. It's become a battle of me against the steroids and I'm determined to win (defined by successfully tapering off this stuff).

I'll keep at this, but I've decided not to taper again for another three or four weeks. I was booked over eighteen months ago to photograph a milestone event for a very dear client in mid December, and I won't let my illness get in the way. Mind you, I'm not ignorant to the fact that ECD has a mind of its own and I've retained a back-up photographer just in case illness wins on that day. But I've been praying every day that I'll be given a twenty-four hour respite to the worst of the symptoms so that I can capture on film the abounding love that this family shares.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me, I need so badly to do this. I'm so very tired of letting family and friends down this last year when I can't follow through with plans because I'm not doing well. It will be the last family event that I photograph, this is tough to accept. Going forward I will only be booking work if the client understands that I may need to reschedule and unfortunately that doesn't work with sessions that must take place on a particular date.

On the hospital front - my doctor was featured in an article in the Globe & Mail this past weekend. I'm one lucky gal to be his patient. And he understands and supports my desire to shoot this last "biggie". Together (with my family) we pick my battles.

Doing Laundry - My Big Accomplishment

A few weeks back I had a great week. I was able to photograph several families, and got quite a bit of personal shooting in too - during the best week for fall colours no less!

Then I crashed. Hate, hate, hate prednisone. Did I say how much I hate it? I'm in that phase where my adrenal glands are supposed to kick in and work on their own again to deliver cortisol as required, but they don't seem to want to do that. I'm not a lazy person, but apparently my adrenal system doesn't know that.

I've been grounded. Even taking a shower seems like a monumental task on most days, and my proudest moment has been mustering enough energy to do a few loads of laundry. Although the steroids didn't seem to affect my moods negatively in the first few months, I feel overwhelmed by sadness on some days. This is so very hard on my family and I feel terrible for putting them through all this. This isn't me, and I'm wondering where I've gone.

I debate this morning whether to call my doctor. I'm pretty sure that he'd tell me to up my dosage and try tapering again in another week or so - but, I'm really determined to get off this poison as soon as possible and want to try sticking it out for a few more days.

So, forgive me if I'm being a bit cranky and not replying to emails quickly. I'm feeling sorry for myself and finding it difficult to be happy about anything right now. I'm going to blame the steroids because despite everything we're going through I know there's a happy person underneath all this - I'm just waiting somewhat impatiently for her to emerge again.