Ending Up Happy

Still waiting on that insurance letter, but in the meantime...

For those of you who know me personally, you're aware that most of my 45 years have not been easy ones. You'd wonder how so many bad things could happen in one person's life, in fact - a dear friend for years urged me to write a book about my experiences. Childhood traumas that no one should have to endure, leaving home at a very young age to fend for myself, a first marriage that should never have happened (except for the tremendous gift of a daughter whom I treasure), and health issues that never seem to let up.

A frightening path is ahead. If I let myself think about it I could put myself into a right state, but I try hard not to. I'd like to share with you the thoughts that keep me sane.

I am loved by two people who mean everything to me. Both came to me in the later years of my life, and I truly don't know what I'd do without my husband and daughter. Someone upstairs has been looking out for me in sending me the gift of unconditional love.

I believe in karma. I've tried hard to do the right thing, take the high road and trust that I will get the odd break. And I do.

I'm getting much better at letting go, not sweating the small stuff. That's all I'll say on that subject right now, but it's been a huge transition for me!

Finally being able to pursue my passion. As I child I was discouraged from following my heart, but almost ten years ago after yet another health crisis I decided that I could no longer keep plugging away at a career that didn't make my heart sing. My income tanked significantly, and I had numerous setbacks - but I've been able wake up each morning excited about what I'm doing. Even though for the last year and half it's been impossible to photograph as much as I would have wanted to - I can still create images in my head whenever I want. Really, I live and breathe this stuff!

I choose to be happy. Most days. It's really unusual for me not to be happy. I choose to be thankful for the blessings in my life - primarily for those two very special people, and for the chance to follow my heart. I should add that had it not been for giving up my corporate career, I wouldn't have met my husband. It was just meant to be!

Believing that a happy ending is possible. Understanding that a happy ending doesn't have to include a cure for my illness, or living to a ripe old age. I choose to see my happy ending accommodating these challenges.

On a note of following a passion; having been pretty much housebound for almost a year and half, I've come to enjoy downloadable podcasts. Granted, the majority of my subscriptions are photography related and likely of little interest to most of you but I do come across the occasional podcast that resonates with me on another level, and might with you too.

This one is by Sir Ken Robinson. The theme is education reform, but I found myself smiling as I heard him speak about following ones' passion.

http://www.ted.com/talks/sir_ken_robinson_bring_on_the_revolution.html

Do let me know if you pull a gem or two out of this one as well!

In a Holding Pattern

I love getting mail. Yup, even the bills - crazy me. And there's a letter I'm anxiously awaiting, a decision from our insurance company letting us know whether they'll cover a portion of the cost of Enbrel.

It's been a busy time. First I met with a new doctor, a rheumatologist who was the one to give the final approval for me to try this drug. Lots of tests afterwards to make sure that I didn't have additional pre-existing conditions that would take me out of the running for this experiment.

Next - a slew of paperwork for the insurance company. The application itself, with supporting letters from my doctors to explain their reasoning for wanting to try this drug on me. The letters were forwarded to me first, and then in turn sent to the insurance company. Not gonna lie, those letters were hard to digest. It's one thing to be told you have a serious illness, it's another to see it all spelled out on paper. And I do mean all spelled out - the extent of my illness along with the prognosis. Ouch. Plus we had to attach a list of all the drugs prescribed by my pharmacy over the last year - it was disconcerting to see just how long that list was.

Next, discussions with the pharmaceutical company. They have quite an extensive support program for patients taking Enbrel. Unfortunately I'm not eligible for many services because I'll be using Enbrel "off-label" (for a condition it's not intended to treat). But, I can speak to a nurse 24/7 if I have any questions or concerns and that's reassuring. Plus, they sent me a pretty neat welcome kit with a travel cooler bag (Enbrel needs to be kept refrigerated), alcohol wipes and a sharps container for used syringes. And an instructional DVD - but I refuse to watch it until I know for sure that this is a go.

Then today I received a call from a nurse at my hospital who'll be teaching me how to self-inject, and will supervise my first few shots to ensure that I'm doing it right.

And everything now rides on whether my insurance company will help us out. So everyday I wait to see what the mail brings. And I have a strong feeling that this drug will do good things. Fingers crossed, toes crossed. I'd even cross my wonky white blood cells if I knew how; that's the least those little devils could do for all the trouble they're causing me!