I’ll trust you until you give me a reason not to.
This wasn’t an easy philosophy to embrace, it took me almost thirty years to get there. I’d been provided with ample opportunity in my early life to learn that sometimes people had hidden agendas, that their actions could be highly destructive to others. That others could act with utter disregard for the welfare of others, leaving a trail of misery behind them. And I’ve been reminded a few times since.
I wanted my daughter’s world to be different. It’s not that I wanted to do the impossible and shield her from all that was difficult or painful, but I did want to teach her to give others the benefit of the doubt.
It started at home. To this day, I’ve never searched her personal belongings. Never peeked in her diary, never opened up her phone (and she can attest to the fact that I can’t even figure out how to turn the alarm off when it trills while she’s in the shower, much less look up any info).
The deal was and is, unless she gives me reason to worry about her safety and wellbeing, her privacy is respected. And she respects mine. It’s brought us to a place where we can feel safe to speak to each other about anything on our minds, and it’s an amazing place to be with her.
When it came to others, I asked her to assume the best of intentions. When someone cuts you off in your driving lane, they might be trying to reach a loved one who’s taken ill. When someone is rude to a store clerk, maybe they’ve just learned that their job is in jeopardy.
We all have bad days, and we all at times take it out on others. And yes, sometimes people are complete and utter jerks. My suggestion to Suzanna however was to give them more than one chance to prove it.
I’m not entirely sure at this moment if this was indeed the healthiest way to look at the world. I’ve found myself too many times over the years excusing inappropriate behaviour, thinking that surely the person who was being hurtful was just having a bad day and tomorrow would be better. Surely nobody could be that indifferent to the feelings of others. Indeed, sometimes they can.
Our faith in the world outside of this apartment has been tested again over the last weeks. A casual acquaintance of my daughter’s was found murdered recently. Disturbingly, she was a stone’s throw from the young man’s body before it was discovered. She was at the neighbouring car repair shop only due to the actions of a person who drove into our old clunker and left without leaving a note a few days earlier. Our car (nearly as old as Suzanna) literally held together with a bungee cord on the drive there to prevent her from being pulled over by the police.
A racist comment from a customer at her place of work. And not the first one. Me tripping across the “hate map” online, a deeply disturbing mapping of tweets sent from across the U.S. containing phrases indicative of racism, homophobia and intolerance for the disabled. Would a Canadian “hate map” prove just as unsettling?
A theft from our apartment, ill intent has also crept in here. Really? We have next to nothing as it is, yet someone helped themselves to a little bit of the little we have left.
I still have numerous examples held up to me daily about what is good in the people around me, and I won’t let go of the faith that there’s far more good than bad out there.
However world, please show my daughter a sign that despite the risks, trusting in others is ultimately more rewarding. A few jerks are blocking the grander view right now.
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